And so my illustrious modeling career begins.

Give me NEUTRAL!

SUPERMODEL, WORK!

We are seeking participants of all racial and ethnic backgrounds to have
their pictures taken for use in future psychology studies. Participants
will make facial expressions of different emotions and have pictures
taken for each of them (e.g.,Anger, Surprise, and Happiness). The
pictures taken in this study will be uploaded onto a database for use in psychology research.

Participants may be of any age over 18 and must be comfortable reading
instructions written in English. Participants will be paid $10 for this
30-minute study.

Meh. Why not? What else was I doing?

So I did.

As the lone participant in this study, I was positioned in front of a camera, where I was asked to conjure (by a researcher who, for more than a brief moment, I was convinced to be Soleil Moon Frye) different emotions, and express them, facially.

So we begin with NEUTRAL*.

Click.

And then they hand me this pamphlet, of which each page is focused on a different emotion.

First page: SADNESS.

That’s kinda hard, y’know? I’ve had sad things happen, but I like to bottle up my sad things and let them fester unhealthily. The pamphlet, however, suggests to me that I push my lower lip out and pull down the corners of my mouth. Soleil gives me a mirror to practice, but I have that, how you say, can’t-keep-a-straight-face-for-long condition, so it’s tough.

On the 4th awkward try, my SADNESS shot is deemed acceptable. Appropriately sad!

ANGER is next, and fairly easy, because all I have to do is remember when I threw a set of keys at The Previously Bethrothed, and I’ve got it. It took 2 takes, but I had it.

So we arrive at FEAR, and Soleil asks me, “What are you afraid of?”

lqa: Ummmm. …

Soleil: Snakes? Spiders? SHARKS!

lqa: Nah, not really squeamish.

Soleil: What about … failure?

lqa: Alright, you got me.

::afraid face::

Click.

Up next?

SURPRISE!

And I like that Soleil specified the particular brand of surprised to go after: Not “scary” surprised, not “surprise happy birthday!” surprise, but, and I quote, “That bitch said whaaaaaat?” surprise.

And I am good at that.

What I am better at, however, and have down on the first take, without even looking at the pamphlet’s suggestions is:

CONTEMPT.

Does that make me a horrible person? That the single-eyebrow-raised contempt face should be so at the ready?

Last but not least, is HAPPINESS, which, at this point is easy, because I have made $10 in 15 minutes, and am just greatly HILARIFIED, which is my favorite emotional state of all.

And in the end? Give me “broke enough to do this for $10.”

Click.

* Those who know me know that my default facial expression is somewhere between vacant and madman smirk.