A disclaimer: I am declaring ‘Dancing to the Max’ to be the Greatest Full Saved by the Bell Episode of All Time. If we’re going scene-by-scene to pull out Most Stellar Moments, I think we can all agree on this bit from ‘Jessie’s Song’:

Caffeine pills are dangerous, kids. Now that that’s out of our systems. …

DANCING TO THE MAX!

Likely, you’ll remember this first-season* episode as “The Sprain.” Oh yes, that’s the one:

A dance contest is hosted by famed Casey Kasem and held at the Max. Zack and Slater both try to obtain Kelly as a dance partner but Slater wins the honor. Zack goes with Jessie. Lisa has someone all lined up for the dance as well, but when she sprains her ankle he backs out. Screech agrees to dance with her in the contest even still.

Firstly, this episode fully establishes and illustrates the themes at the very core of SbtB.

Let us count:

1. Zack and Slater love/hate each other, and when it’s hate, it’s because of that Soffe-shorted Bayside Tigrrr: Kelly Kapowski.
2. In this chapter of “Jessie Is Deathly Afraid of Imperfection,” Miss Spano** finds herself No-Doz-jitterishly worried that it’s her height (not her resounding bitchiness) that keeps her from getting all the sweet, pubescent menfolk; and not to harp on “Jessie’s Song” — I’m so excited! — but it’s another dance-related storyline***.
3. Samuel ‘Screech’ Powers harbors a deep, unrequited love for Lisa Turtle, and he will go to great, great, bust-a-move lengths to bring her joy — a joy not to be reciprocated fully.
4. Belding’s a kind-hearted, but sad-eyed, hasbeen-neverwas, with a fondness for reliving his ‘wild’ youth, hence the fact that he follows these kids around for at least the next decade**** of their lives.
5. All teachers are oblivious/incompetent (see: that deaf, old lady who taught Shakespeare), douchey (see: whoever that Micromachine guy played), or some combination thereof (see: this episode’s music teacher).
6. The Bayside student body consists exclusively of Nerds, Jocks, random guests (Soleil Moon Frye, Leah Remini, Tori Spelling, etc.), and the main cast (Zack, A.C., Jessie, Kelly, Lisa, Screech, and sometimes Tori), who always have classes together.
7. Any big deal event (in this case, the dance-off), which will likely take place at the Max, centers on the main cast. Here, we see Slater and Kelly perform as The Spandex Twins; Zack and Jessie perform as The Powerhouse Preppies; and Lisa and Screech, while not introduced with a fun team name, introduce Bayside to the Sprain, sending the Applause Meter (read: a large thermometer-like cutout and a hat with Max-powered clapping hands) soaring. There are no other contestants.

In addition to solidifying the central themes of SbtB so early on in the series, ‘Dancing to the Max’ features so many quintessentially Baysidian moment of humor:

• The entire group is in music class, playing Bach’s Minuet in G, in typical beginning band atonality and discord … that is until the music teacher steps outside for a moment, at which point the Minuet goes all Lover’s-Concerto-by-the-Toys-on-speed, and Jessie busts out with some dance moves in the middle of the classroom … which, of course, comes to a complete halt as soon as the conductor reenters. Zack Morris blows a pink bubble gum balloon of musical distress out of his trombone, back to pubescent-screech music again. The scene ends with (what else?) physical comedy.
• Zackary Morris cannot dance. I once read a very old review of Double Fantasy, in which Yoko Ono’s solo pieces were likened to “the sound of a severely retarded child being beaten,” and that is the only level of awkward painfulness that comes to mind when watching Zack shuffle and snap his fingers around the place. Sorry.
• At one point, Screech wears a tuxedo t-shirt. Hott.
• Kelly: What happened to you?
  Lisa: I kicked the TV and sprained my ankle.
  Jessie: Why?
  Lisa: I was watching the new Revlon commercial and they discontinued my nail polish.
• Max. Prop comedy. There you go.
• Casey Kasem makes his first SbtB cameo appearance*****, in a Cosby sweater that rivals Belding’s own Cosby sweater in such a way that makes me wonder: Is the dance-off really the main competition here? Furthermore, I don’t even know if it’s actually possible to butcher “the Sprain,” but Mr. Kasem may be doing just that as the episode fades out.

*

It is important to note that this is an episode from a kinder, gentler, more innocent era: When Max was still around, spreading his magic-fueled joy; before Buddy Bands threatened this ideal friendship; before Johnny Dakota left a “roach” in the boys’ bathroom, imploring Brandon Tartakoff to decry, “There’s no hope with dope!”; when Zack was still crawling through Jessie’s bedroom window to visit; before Kelly got involved with that creep, Professor Lasky; before the ::shudder:: wedding in Las Vegas. …

And in conclusion, “Dancing to the Max” is the Greatest Epsiode of SbtB of all time. I dare you to rebut.

* Peter Engel’s notorious revisionist history is at work here. I do not suggest that this episode exists outside the Saved By The Bell Canon Proper (but to the short-lived Good Morning, Miss Bliss!, set in Indiana with only some of the same cast, plus Hayley Mills, which later was recycled in the Saturday morning slot as SBTB: The Junior High Years, each episode prefaced by a “Remember when?” intro by Mr. Morris himself), as it is indeed a full-fledged SbtB unit; however, it is not, as listed on the complete Season 1 DVDs, the very first episode. (That distinction belongs to “King of the Hill,” wherein Albert Clifford Slater and Zachary Morris meet for the first time, thus defining their long-lasting ‘frenemy’ relationship.) SbtB has a serious problem with chronology, of course. (The Tori Paradox, anyone? The fact that they graduated twice?)

** Now, this doesn’t detract from my belief that ‘Dancing to the Max’ is the quintessential SbtB experience, but it’s a quibble with Jessie’s character as a whole: As such a crunchy, Earth-Shoe-wearing feminist, why is she always so, “OMG, my grades! My height!”. Wouldn’t she be all, “I am woman; hear me roar”? Or does she only really bust that out when Slater calls her “mama”?

*** Foreshadowing Elizabeth Berkley’s later dubious career moves, as star of Showgirls and, presently, as host of Bravo’s Step It Up and Dance.

**** I imagine he’s still up in their pieces. … Anyone for a reunion movie??

***** His second and final cameo occurs in the fantasy episode “Rockumentary,” in which he chronicles The Zack Attack’s rise to fame … and fall from grace.