Notes from the Booby-Hatch: Part One

First of all, let’s be way clear about this: The phrase “booby-hatch” parallels the likes of “panties” and “moist” on The Grand List of Words that Send me into Screaming Brain Shrieks and Silent Shudders … but as Gomez Addams has taken the liberty to “go there” and coin my imminent medical study as such, I suppose that’s what we’ll go with. My apologies to anyone’s delicate phonetic sensibilities.

Oh yes, that’s right. As bitch needs to get paid, bitch will be spending Tuesday afternoon through Saturday morning at UPMC Montefiore, where they will prod me (I imagine); administer 2 MRIs (nose ring comes out), several EKGs, and several blood tests; and determine how my brain differs from that of a schizophrenic. I get free meals, AC, and $1000 that will vastly improve the possibility of the impending move going smoothly.*

Points of discussion:

• I needn’t ingest anything, you know, like weird pills. Cool.
• I lied on the preliminary medical evaluation. “What? Secondary amenorrhea? Why, what is that? Not I! Forsooth and for shame! I’m rather cyclical.” (TMI?)
• I answered truthfully throughout the preliminary psych exam. I answered a resounding “no!” to both, “Do you feel that you have special powers?”** and “Do you ever receive special messages from the TV, newspaper, or radio?”.***
• The hospital has AC (which I don’t); they feed me (hopefully take-out, not caf stuff); I have unlimited time to read, knit, snark about what all’s going on in the ::shudder:: Booby-Hatch, crossword it up, receive visitors, apply for jobs, etc. Oh, and “walk the unit,” I was told.
• Despite OpiuMom‘s initial freak-out reservations****, she was at least happy that I got a check-up, and was mostly reassured of my making it out alive.
• Jamino will take after and play with the lovely Zooey Grace, and in exchange, I will shower him with affection and Mystery Brew upon my merry return.

And I’m ridiculously eager for this. I love people watching (the general mockery and hilarification, so on), and I’ll get some time and motivation to get some stuff done. Stuff I’ve been hiding behind my laziness.

So what does one pack for “the B-H?”***** Leave it in the comments!

* Ew.” Smooth move.” Here I go chastising Gomez, while I go about hurting my own ears.

** Does falling up a set of stairs count?

*** I WISH!

**** She surely pictures this as some crazy perv’s basement, all Clockwork Orange style.

***** Okay, I can maybe deal with “B-H.”